Anxiety and people-pleasing are two mental habits that go hand in hand, and yet most people don’t see the deeper connection. If you’re constantly feeling the need to ensure that everybody is happy, even when it means sacrificing your own happiness, and you feel anxious just thinking about the possibility of letting somebody else down, you may be caught in a cycle in which anxiety is both the cause and result of people-pleasing behaviour.
The Connection: People Pleasing = Anxiety
People pleasing is not just about being nice or helpful; it’s a habit in which you consistently place others’ needs, desires and feelings above your own, frequently out of fear. This fear has many faces; it can be fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, or fear of not being liked. For many, people-pleasing is a learnt behaviour developed in childhood when approval or love may have felt conditional, and being nice was a tactic for staying safe and preserving approval.
According to psychologist Mansi Kothari, people-pleasing, at its root, is actually often driven by anxiety. The fear of letting other people down, of being judged by others, and of encountering conflict keeps them in a state of hypervigilance. Kothari explains that people pleasers find themselves overanalysing interactions, ruminating on perceived mistakes, and feeling guilty or anxious when they set boundaries or advocate for their actual needs.
How to Recognise If Your Anxiety Is Rooted in People-Pleasing
You can ask yourself the following to find the link:
- Do you find yourself answering “yes” to something when you actually mean “no”, because you feel anxious about disappointing the other person?
- Do you always need others to reassure you or approve of you and feel uncomfortable if they don’t?
- Are you conflict avoidant to the point of repressing your emotions or ignoring what you want?
- “I feel responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m always saying sorry and trying to ‘fix’ things, even if it has nothing to do with me.
- After socialising, do you feel worried that you said the wrong thing?
If you answered “yes” to several of these, it’s likely that anxiety is fuelling your people-pleasing tendencies, says Kothari.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
People pleasing may seem like a way to keep the peace or to keep the status quo with someone you value, yet usually it leads to more damaging emotions like resentment, burnout, annoyance and the feeling of not being seen. In time, it’s your needs that aren’t met, and the fear (which you thought to escape) is only compounded.
This cycle is a trying one not only on your mental health but also on your self-worth and relationship as you feel tired and empty. Kothari says that the emotional toll of this dynamic often runs deeper than people realise, affecting both personal identity and psychological well-being.
Steps Toward Healing
- Self-awareness: The first step is recognising your people-pleasing patterns and the anxiety beneath them. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you identify triggers and underlying fears.
- Set Boundaries: Practice saying “no” and expressing your needs, even if it feels uncomfortable. Remember, healthy relationships respect mutual boundaries.
- Challenge Your Thoughts: Notice when you’re catastrophising or assuming the worst about others’ reactions. Ask yourself: Is this fear realistic? What’s the evidence?
- Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that your needs matter, too. Being kind to yourself can help reduce the guilt and anxiety tied to prioritising your own well-being.
- Seek Support: If anxiety and people-pleasing are deeply ingrained, therapy can provide tools and support for building healthier patterns and self-worth. Kothari encourages individuals to seek help without shame, emphasising that unlearning people-pleasing is a sign of growth, not selfishness.
